Sand and Moon
by InfinitelyFudgy
Summary: On the anniversary of the most horrible moment in his life, James realizes he doesn't have to suffer alone. Please R&R!


**A/N – So here's my first story...I guess it's okay. It wasn't quite as epic as I wanted it to be though. I tried to get in depth details and a lot of James!angst, but it wasn't as well written as I wanted it. But please, review, critique, and tell me what I did wrong, I want to get better at this.**

**Beach Brothers**

For the past 3 hours he just sat there. Completely still. If someone was to walk by him they'd mistake him for an incredibly life-like statue. He wasn't necessarily thinking about anything in particular; just, being. Breathing in the sights and smells that surrounded him. Letting the cool ocean air fill his lungs. His face was slightly moist from wind gently blowing the mist against his face. Every time he came here he was amazed at how beautiful this beach was; and slightly surprised, no one seemed to know about it and it had great surfing waves during the day. Yet, he seemed to always have this spot to himself. The tide would rise to meet his feet half buried in the warm sand, then retreat into the cobalt blue mysteries of the ocean.

Every day for 10 years he'd come here and just sit here staring off into the ocean's distance. The first few times he came, when the accident was still a fresh memory in his young mind, it was all he could think about. The screams of his mother as the dump truck swerved towards them at a way too fast pace. The fear in his father's eyes as he stretched to shield his wife and two kids from the impending impact. But something he will never be able to forget is the look of pure, unhindered terror on his 3 year old sister's face. She had been giggling a moment before that he could remember. Her laugh had been permanently imprinted in his mind. But he couldn't figure what was worse, the joy shining in her eyes or the look of pure terror on her face. Either way, he was left with a unforgettable picture of his baby sister looking terrified out of her mind, and one of her laughing so hard her cheeks were tinged in a soft pink. The smell of the ocean filling his being was all but therapeutic to him. It reminded him too much of his life before the accident. His entire family were surfers, so were his grandparents, and his grandparent's parents. He was surrounded by water and sand his entire life. He was taught to surf at the age of 6 by his dad and grandmother. And every detail of that day played like a record player stuck on repeat whenever anything reminded him of the ocean. He knew in that case he was torturing himself by coming here once a year. But a small masochist part of him wanted this; wanted to feel the pain of those memories brought him, that way, he thought of it as a form of self punishment for not doing something more to prevent his mother, father and sister from dying. He didn't vocalize his guilt, he just kept it buried deep within under an impenetrable lock where the key was long forgotten.

But now as he sat here in silence with the sound of distant seagulls and waves softly crashing, he ran his fingertips over the faded scar on his left forearm. His family was killed but he walked away with a small scratch. At times he considered swimming out as far as he could, forgoing the possibilities of him sinking into the depths to never return. He told himself that was a selfish thing to do, but he figured it was the only way to be with his family again.

He missed them.

He stopped crying over this long ago. He couldn't. It's like his body had an internal block that was preventing him from just completely and utterly breaking down. Truthfully, he wanted to. The weight bearing down on his shoulders got heavier and heavier every passing year. Every day he blamed himself more, added to the guilt weighing down on his mind. This guilt was eating him alive from the inside out. Chewing on his innards at a slow agonizing pace until there was nothing left but a hollow, empty shell of who he used to be. Some days he just prayed for someone to put him out of his misery and do away with him. He truly hated himself. And it was only one day a year everything he held within, everything he held securely hidden behind his usual confidence and smiles came to full bloom. All the guilt, pain, blame, and self hatred he kept in check everyday swelled until he was left feeling so sick he would empty his stomach until he was left with that same empty and hallow feeling.

It scared him.

He was too focused on the ocean he didn't hear three pairs of flip flops softly growing louder and closer, or when they suddenly stopped and there was 3 bodies radiating warmth all around him. He didn't make a move to turn around or look at them.

He knew who they were, but he was torn between being happy to see his best friends and being upset that they were there. He wanted to be alone, wanted to wallow in his self pity and hatred. But what he really wanted to know how they found him, he always leaves in the dead of night, places pillows under his covers to make it look like he was still there, and he always come back in time to get himself in bed before everyone else got up. Every year. So how did they find out?

The same silence that had been filling the air previously didn't change, but he was a little more tense now that he wasn't alone. He didn't have to turn around to know they were all looking at him, he could practically feel their gazes burning holes into his back. He knew someone had to talk before things got even more awkward.

"How'd you guys find me?" There was a tinge of anger in his voice. He knew they noticed it.

There was a moment of silence before Logan spoke up. "We followed you here."

"Yeah, but how did you know I left?" James queried.

"I was awake, when you got up and started moving around. I figured you just woke up from a nightmare or something, and then when you left 2J I got out of bed and woke up Kendall and Logan." Carlos answered sheepishly, looking down.

"James, why did you come here? What's wrong?" Kendall asked.

"Nothing's wrong. It's like Carlos said, I had a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep so I came here." James said quickly. Hoping they'd believe him. He's always been a terrible liar.

They didn't believe him for second. As expected. He has known these boys for over eleven years, they all knew each other better then each of their parents knew their sons. They could see right through him.

"We all know that's not true. Now please, tell us what's going on with you." Carlos asked carefully.

He licked his lips quickly before replying. "Why does something have to be wrong for me to want to come out here by myself?" James asked.

"So you get dressed, sneak out of the apartment at midnight, pull the pillow prop in your bed, and hike all the way out here because you couldn't sleep? Why didn't just go watch T.V or something?" Kendall asked slightly incredulously.

James was starting to get slightly worried, not only was he a horrible liar, but he couldn't keep up an act very well. Now that they knew he was lying, they were going to continue to ask questions until he couldn't handle it anymore. And if these three other boys were good at anything besides singing, dancing and causing mayhem, it was getting to the truth.

James didn't reply to that. He just continued to stare off into the distance and pretend he couldn't hear them at all.

"James please, we're just worried about you. If there's something wrong we want to help as much as we can." putting a weary hand on James's left shoulder, Carlos gently squeezed. "We're your best friends."

The hand on his shoulder seemed to relax him. His muscles softened and James hung his head down slightly. Carlos took this as a sign and started slowly kneading his fingers into James shoulders and back causing him to close his eyes. Even though James has been hiding this huge part of life from his best friends, they all were completely comfortable around each other and certain gestures of affection and care that normally wouldn't be looked upon as a norm to happen between men; they were fine with. They could fall asleep on each others shoulders or lap and no one would look twice or say anything while the one ran their fingers through another's hair as they slept. It was just who they were.

"Did something happen with a girl?" Logan questioned hoping that was it, at least then they could probably fix it easily.

"No. It has nothing to do with a girl." James replied. "Seriously guys, it's nothing. I just come out here sometimes to wind back and relax."

"James do you remember when we all first met in pee-wee hockey practice all those years ago?" Kendall waited for James to nod, "Well, along with our pact to always stick together, we also made a four-way promise to always be there for each other now matter what. No matter what the problem is, we promised to stand by each other through think and thin. We can tell each other anything, and we'll always be there for each other to support and defend each other from anything and everything."

Maybe with was the sincerity in Kendall's words, or the warmth of Carlos's fingers as he gently massaged his back, but James was getting closer and closer to telling them the truth.

"Kendall is right, you can tell us anything. You know that, right?" Logan asked carefully.

James was lifted his head, opening his eyes to slits. His back was still turned to the guys. He was debating inwardly if telling them was a good idea, because if he started then he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to stop and things would get ugly very quickly. But they were his best friends, pretty much his brothers. He should be able to tell them anything without fear of negative or unwanted reaction. But then again, this was a secret that he's kept pretty much his entire life. Will they be mad he never told them? Much less lied to them?

"James?" Logan said, waking him out of his stupor.

With a deep breathe, James decided to just go with it and tell them the truth. Hopefully they wouldn't end up hating him.

"I wasn't adopted by an elderly couple who knew me from beforehand." James said quietly.

Confused silence unraveled. They looked at each other before turning their questioning gazes to James.

"They were my grandparents." James admitted. Closing his eyelids

"Okay, that's a shocker, but it's not that bad. Was that what your were afraid to tell us?" Kendall asked.

James shook his head.

"Take your time, James we're right here." Logan assured him sincerely.

Now it was truth time. James let out a shaking breath he wasn't aware he was holding and lowered his head once more.

"My family and I were in a car accident when I was seven. I survived. They didn't. My mother, father, and little sister didn't make it." James finally said.

The fingers on his back froze and James could hear the collective intake of breathes from behind him. He was afraid to turn around.

James expected one of them, or all three of them to lash out, yell at him, and leave. But what happened next he was not expecting at all.

"Why didn't you ever te-" Logan started,

"James turn around." Came a quick cut off from Kendall.

James, although reluctant to do so, finally turned around to face his friends. They hadn't even changed out of their PJ's. They just threw on jackets over them. Kendall even had his gray beanie covering his bed head. Some blond locks that had leaked under through the front of his hat were covering his eyes slightly. He spoke up first.

"James look at us."

He didn't, couldn't look them in the eye, he feared pure hatred and betrayal to shine in there eyes. He just continued to look down. That was when a finger hooked itself under his chin a raised his head to meet their eyes. They all shared equal looks of shock and sympathy. This was what James was afraid of, they hated him. He continued to look up, but he focused on the cluster of palm trees far off behind Kendall's head instead of this friends.

"James." came Kendall.

He finally looked Kendall in the eyes. As soon as they made eye contact, Kendall's face immediately softening at the look of pure misery and worry in his friends eyes. He looked much older then 16. There was something in his eyes that made him look much older then he really was. The other three felt similar waves of sympathy run through every vein in their body when taking in the state of their best friend. They all had to resist the urge to try start crying themselves.

Figuring this was his chance to try again, Logan began again. "James, why didn't you ever tell us this?"

James shifted his gaze to Logan. He stared at Logan blankly for a moment before replying. "I know I probably should have , but I just couldn't." Looking down once again, Carlos spoke up.

"Why? Were you afraid of how we would react or something?" Carlos scooted a tad closer to James. Hoping the close contact would reassure James they were all there for him.

"I couldn't because...because I was trying to pretend it never happened, and if I said it out loud that would make it into more of a reality. And I just wouldn't have been able to handle that." he answered honestly.

"James, we can't imagine what going through that must have felt like. No one deserves to have that happen to them. And I know I can't say I understand how you are feeling right now, but I know that you've been dealing with this for 10 years without so much as saying one thing about it to us or your relatives. You've been dealing with this for 10 years all by yourself? I personally don't know how you managed that. Now we're not asking you to relive what happened, but we want to help you through this. We want you to share you're pain."

Suddenly James felt this slight burning in the back of his eyes. He could not cry. Not in front of his friends. He started shaking slightly from the force of trying to hold it all in. His resolve was dissipating.

Seeing the internal struggle become outwardly apparent on their friend's face, Carlos gently grasped James's right hand in his whilst Logan took his left. They both started running the pads of their thumbs over his palms. Kendall simply looked at James, and James slowly looked back at him. The slight light coming off of the moon shone in James eyes and reflected to clear pools of tears waiting to fall from his eyes. Reaching forward Kendall looped is right hand to the back of James neck at gently pulled against his chest.

And that's where he finally broke down in their arms.

James surprised himself with the severity of his cries. He screwed his eyes shut and buried his head in Kendall's chest. With tears coursing down his cheeks, he blindly grasped for something or someone to latch onto, because he felt like he was sinking and he needed something to grab onto. He was all but numb as he sobbed into his friends chest, he could feel the gentle way Kendall rubbed circles into his back, and when he felt two warm arms snaked around his chest and back and then another pair softly secured themselves his midsection, he breathed a little easier.

It was a heartbreaking scene; 3 teenage boys crowded around another boy as he shook with cries that broke their hearts simultaneously.

As they rubbed his back to calm him down, they spoke quiet words of comfort to him. They all felt similar spark of burning desire to rid away the pain that plagued their best friend's young heart. But all they could do right now was comfort him while he let out the demons of his past. Between the force of James shaking form, and Kendall's already awkward position, they all fell back into the sand, James curling into a ball on Kendall's side, his tears not stopping. They once again reached to wrap themselves around him again.

James was truly embarrassed for this display of utter unmanliness. He felt so vulnerable and small, but as his friends warmth surrounded him like a blanket, he realized he should have told them a long time ago. He hasn't felt this much affection and love since his mother used to tuck him in bed at night.

It was a good 10 minutes after his tears dried before they let go. They were silent as the laid on their backs and stared up at the stars. They were close enough they were practically laying on each other.

"Brothers forever. Nothing any of us say or do can make us love each other any less." Carlos said quietly.

James smiled. Carlos was right, he loved these guys as much as any other family member. They were a family. And as much as he still hated himself, he knew they would help him through that. That's what friends were for, right? And always being there for someone to ease the pain in their heart and help them fight back the shadows of their past? Then being there at the end of it all with arms open wide? That's family.

So they laid there together until they fell asleep. Using each other as pillows the was good enough for them. James was the last to fall asleep however. He had to admit, he felt a lot better after he cried everything out. He could breathe easier. And his heart was so filled with the warmth and affection his friends gave him he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. And for once, he was genuinely hopeful that he could move on from his past. It's always going to be there, he couldn't change that; but he could not let it take over his life and destroy him on the inside. As long as he had friends like these guys, there wasn't a thing he couldn't do. This wasn't just his beach anymore, this paradise belonged to them. This is where they would always find Peace. Happiness. Sanctuary. Hope. Love. And this is where he'd always find his true brothers.

**Fin. Critique pwease?**


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